Thursday, December 10, 2009

Homework...for kids

If anyone out there ever does homework, which is something I rarely find myself doing, and ever need to look something up, just simply add “for kids” to the end. 

Punic wars + For kids = A summary with phrases like, “One day, a long time ago...” and “a big fight."

That’s all. But seriously, look into it. It’s way less tedious.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Pithy Mythy

I have to read a book on Mythology. Since my mother has earplugs in (something I learned the hard way) I can’t comment on it to her. So I’ll just muse here. 

First of all I’d like to point out that Mythology is hilarious. For one thing, people believed in it. I wonder if there were some people who played the role of the ‘parents’ and the rest of the people just believed in Zeus and Hera and all the rest. You know?

Plus, I love the idea that people were kind of the same back then except this crazy mythological stuff went down. Like, in this one story there’s this kid who was always pretty sure that the Sun was his father, and his mom was really “The Sun who?” about it but never gave a straight answer. When he told his buddies at school that the sun was his dad, they made fun of him (like you do, I mean come on). So he goes to visit the Sun, and he’s all “Oh, yes, I remember your mother...I am your father, sun. I mean son.” Then the story gets weird when the son wants to ride the dad’s chariot and he dies because of his own selfishness. 

Moral: If your dad left you as a child, and especially if he’s a celebrity, do not ask to drive his cool car, because something bad will happen to you. 

Side note: I was just reading the next story in this stupid book when a priest stood up in front of me (am on train). He got his suitcase down (cuz we’re getting to his stop) and then he was putting on a coat. His suitcase started to fall past me, and I stuck out a hand and caught it really fast. I’m like a superhero. Seriously. 

Here I will collect lines that I like (don’t worry I’ll bibliography this stuff)

“...he fed his horses human flesh to make them fierce in battle.” (p 185) Because as we all know, you can lead a horse to human flesh, and you can make him eat.

“the Gods often spoke to men in their dreams.” (p 186) This is written with such a “Oh yeah, they did that all the time” quality. As if it’s, you know, real.

Okay, so now in this last story I read, there’s this guy who managed to kind of win a winged horse. He goes and hangs out with this couple, and then the wife says to the husband that he has to kill the guy. The husband’s like, oh, no not me, so he sends the guy to his friends house with a letter. The letter says to kill this guy, but then his friend doesn’t want to because he seems nice. So he sends the guy off to go kill some beast, thinking surely the beast will get him and save everyone the trouble, and then he defeats the beast, so they send him to fight against this army. Then he defeats the army, and then they forgive him. This poor guy, seriously. Like, everyone’s trying to kill him and he’s just running around doing favors for ‘em. 

Before each story, the author gives a little preface. The best line in this one is when she’s talking about the author of the next story: “A dull writer, but less dull than usual in this tale.”

This guy is from the first or second century A.D and he still can’t catch a break. 

I take that back. Just read story. This guy is boring as a brick. 

So was the rest of the book. I wrote a scathing review that is now going to masquerade as an essay.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

The Public Demands Protective Dunce Caps

I’ve had so many concussions. Sports. Attacked in a parking lot. But today was by far the dumbest. (I can’t figure out if that’s even a word anymore, what with the head injury.)

I hit my head so hard in the library that, for all the people who didn’t see it, everyone heard it. The place I hit my head? The window that overlooks the entire floor I was on and out on the floor beneath. I’m pretty sure they all saw/heard my self-conscious note also.

That, up there is a picture of my dog. Post-head-injury it was HI.Larious.